Yesterday an old friend of mine, someone I met on the screamforme forums years ago, called me on msn. When I saw the minimized window blinking I thought: "how cool! It's been ages we last talk". So I maximized the window and she had written: "nando nando nando".


Well, the first coincidence is that her name is Fernanda. So I replyed: "nanda nanda nanda". She laughed! Yeah, I don't know why, but somehow I make people laugh without many efforts. It's like a given gift.


But then I realized she wanted to talk serious stuff, she wanted advices. She said she had been feeling really bad since the begining of the year. So I told her to tell me everything, I was there to 'listen' and help.


That's when she said a lot of stuff but basically what caught my atention were these facts: She had kidney problems, she was loving the wrong man, and she had doubts about college.


So, besides having the same name we pretty much have been having the same problems almost simultaneously.


Life is weird indeed. Full of funny coincidences.


Well, the advices I gave her are ALL the things I should have done for myself and I simply couldn't. And then, the last coincidence is that she (apparently) can't follow them either.

At first I thought the best way was to block her on msn, keep a certain distance for a short while just to heal the wound. But there she was last night, how could I keep her blocked? She's been so nice to me, she really likes me (not the way I want to, though), so I couldn't do it to her. I unblocked her, we talked for hours and it was good.


We are 2 adults, right? There's no reason to behave like a teenager. Way before this situation happened (if it happened, you know? It could have been all my imagination playing tricks on me since the very begining) we were friends, new friends to be more exact. But 2 new friends that share the same interests on loads of things, think exactly the same on difficult and trivial subjects as well and like each other very much. There's a special connection. So the question is: why not stay friends?


That's what I've decided to do. I will try my best to transform my feelings into something else, something even more special. I'll still like her, I'll still care about her, but as a very good friend. Nothing more than that. Friendships can be forever, relationships tend to fail quite often (in my case it always fails).


This same situation happened to me 10 years ago. I liked a girl (and she will read this, I know) who liked one of my best friends at the time. I told her what I felt but it was a lost case because I knew what she really wanted. So she dated this friend of mine for 7 years or so. And well, 10 years later I talk to her more often than I talk to him. How weird, huh? We took separated ways, we haven't talked for a while, but life is weird and we suddenly started to talk to each other all over again like we used to. So that's what I meant when I wrote that friendship can be forever.


Now I'll move on, and the girl will help me. Because she's my friend and she wants me to be happy. I bet she has several girls to present me and she knows me so well that she knows exactly what I'm looking for...

To give up or not to give up?


If I give up now I might regret in the near future. What if everything goes wrong with her and the other guy? And if I don't give up now and everything goes perfectly well with her and the other guy?


What a dilemma!

WHY IS THERE ALWAYS ANOTHER GUY? (And no, I've never had a bloody idea of his existance. Not in this particular case and not in ALL the other past cases)

Does shit have feelings? Well, I don't know. But if it does, I know pretty much how it feels because I'm feeling so fucking bad right now. It's fucking hurting.


But then, it wasn't for lack of advice. Everybody told me how I should handle the situation and I just couldn't do it. That's how I am, unfortunately.


I must have to learn how to deal with it. I really must.

It's been a very hard path and sometimes I think my patience is coming to an end. But this week she told me a few things that gave me more energy to keep trying and I keep wondering if it's going to be worthy...


She keeps flirting with me on msn, well, we keep flirting with each other on msn. But flirting isn't enough, is it? We need to act, to put what we say in action. But it's been hard... I could use some extra help, but the only person who could help doesn't seem very keen on the idea. Bummer!


What if it goes wrong? what if nothing happens? It's just going to be one more failure to add to my collection, which is already big enough. Not even mentioning how bad it would be to my already badly damaged self esteem.

Where's the nearest cave? I need to find one as quick as possible, enter it and be there till the day I die. I really want to vanish from this cruel world. Being in a dark place, completely isolated, feeling cold, listening to the silence with nobody around to see how stupid, pathetic, unimpressive, sad, cold, lonely, desperate, weak, pessimistic, depressed, melancholic and boring I am.

I spent most of my weeked splitting concerts into songs and uploading them to my youtube account. There are some really rare stuff there. Take a look: My youtube account.

So I took one of those psychological tests on the internet about personality and stuff like that. Here's the result:


Your type: Dependent. You need a lot of love to feel happy. Your need for love is so powerful that you are dependent on it for your happiness. The upside to this is that you are also very good at giving love yourself. You understand the meaning of "falling in love", you are a faithful friend and you adore your children. When you feel that you are loved your strengths and abilities seem to increase tenfold. Your emotions are what guide you. But because of your need for love and because you are also afraid of conflict, you sometimes accept being treated badly. You are one of those people who have an insatiable need for love: the more you get, the more you want. Love is a drug which temporarily calms the anxieties and doubts you have about yourself. But no sooner have you had your hit than you go back for more, needing confirmation once more that someone loves you. Quite often your friends get fed up of it. But it isn’t that hard to change. A little bit of self-belief and some work on your self-esteem is all that’s needed. You need to learn, for example, that saying ‘no’ won’t necessarily ruin a relationship; you need to understand that it is possible to criticise someone without starting an argument and you need to learn to feel valued without others having to pay you constant attention. Remember that if someone loves you, there is no reason why that should change.


Well, unfortunately I have to agree with that.

This is the brilliant yesterday's front cover of the Argentinian sports newspaper called Olé. You need to understand a bit of french and portuguese to understand what the headline says... As for the picture, well, it's perfect!

It seems I've been to an emotional rollercoaster. A lot of ups and downs in the past few days.


I'll start talking about the girl. Nothing has happened yet, and I think it's going to be very difficult to happen something anytime soon. Everytime I think I'm getting close to what I want she eventually says something that really hits me. It makes me fall and when I manage to stand up again I notice that I am 10 steps behind from where I was before. So, step by step I manage to get close to her again till something else hits me back. I know I have to keep digging deeper but I'm not sure if I'm strong enough (emotionally) to try for so long. I might be on the right path, but I don't know how further this path goes. And what if this path leads to nothing?


Another thing that happened to me was related to my sister. My lovely sister that you can see in loads of pictures in this site. She was coming here on holidays for the first time alone, as an independent woman. It was a huge step for her and I was so excited about this trip that we've been counting the days since last February. We had lots of plans about this trip and we would have a lot of fun together. Without a doubt!


Well, some stuff happened and she can't come anymore. She wrote me a lovely email explaning me a lot of things. This email made me cry for the first time in ages. It touched me in a way that it made me express a lot of things I have kept for myself during my entire life. So, I wrote her a huge letter. She read it and told me she was relieved, because she had just known she wasn't the only one who felt the same way. Then she said that it was time for her to write something back. Something that I always should have known. Then, the next day I got the letter in my inbox. I read it very carefuly and it made me cry again. But this time I wasn't sad. I just cried because it was the most beautiful thing someone has ever said to me.


Even though we don't live in the same city and even though we only see eachother very rarely, we've always connected in a certain special way. And now, after this episode, I think we are even more connected. Now I'm waiting for her to come as soon as possible, even if this soon is not so soon. It doesn't matter. All I want now is to give her a very strong hug.