This site has a new home: www.fernandosouza.org

This blog won't disappear, it just won't be updated anymore. Things are not going to change at all, I'll just be posting from now on, on the new blog linked above. The new domain fernandosouza.org is now working and this domain abittersweetlife.net will soon be redirected to the new blog and this blog will be linked there. So don't worry, you will still be able to check this place whenever you want.

See you in the new blog...

Some few posts back I posted about hurting then (at the time) or hurting later. I chose later (how stupid) and later came early this morning around 3 a.m. The result so far is a sleepless night (with a second on its way) and an entire day without eating anything. When will this shit end, huh?

Sorry, I won't tell you what happened simply because it's a long story and difficult to put on words. There will probably be more chapters in it, but I'm not sure whether I want to get involved or not. But since I'm bloody stupid and never learn, I suppose I'll keep posting about what happens. It's a way of getting the stuff out of me, somehow...

I've just got my friend's Renato Tribuzy newest cd - Execution Live Reunion - and it was a cool surprise to see my name mentioned on the "thank you" section of the cd booklet. It was the 2nd time this happened. The first time was a few years ago, when my name appeared on the Sack Trick - Sheep in Kiss Make-up album. So fucking cool!

I hate not having the feeling to know exactly what's going on between us. Sometimes it seems obvious that there is a thing, sometimes everything gets cloudy and what seemed obvious turns out to be not even possible.

Of course that the fact of me being completely crazy about her affects my judgment and I see everything the way I want to see, creating a wrong/false impression that only makes things worse. These things (her acts) are at least weird. That's how some friends of mine described them when I told them what had happened. These weird things keep happening and I don't know where they will take me, or her, or even us.

I know I should talk to her, but then I'm just too scared of what might happen. If she's just a friend and if that's how she wants to stay, things will just be strange for a long while, you know... I'm scared of that! But there's one thing that I think I'm even more scared of: It's the possibility that she really wants something more serious. I don't know how I'll be able to handle that, it's been a long time since I was into a serious relationship and the fear of ruining everything is fucking big.

Let's see how long I'll keep it going till I make the decision to finally talk to her face to face. If I know me as I think I know, this talk will probably never happen. And in a distant future I'll be asking myself: "what if..."

Welcome to my world!