I hate not having the feeling to know exactly what's going on between us. Sometimes it seems obvious that there is a thing, sometimes everything gets cloudy and what seemed obvious turns out to be not even possible.

Of course that the fact of me being completely crazy about her affects my judgment and I see everything the way I want to see, creating a wrong/false impression that only makes things worse. These things (her acts) are at least weird. That's how some friends of mine described them when I told them what had happened. These weird things keep happening and I don't know where they will take me, or her, or even us.

I know I should talk to her, but then I'm just too scared of what might happen. If she's just a friend and if that's how she wants to stay, things will just be strange for a long while, you know... I'm scared of that! But there's one thing that I think I'm even more scared of: It's the possibility that she really wants something more serious. I don't know how I'll be able to handle that, it's been a long time since I was into a serious relationship and the fear of ruining everything is fucking big.

Let's see how long I'll keep it going till I make the decision to finally talk to her face to face. If I know me as I think I know, this talk will probably never happen. And in a distant future I'll be asking myself: "what if..."

Welcome to my world!